Scientist recently found a link between fructose and cancer. It’s early yet and much more research is needed, but one thing is clear: I like boobs.

All kinds of boobs. Big ones, small ones, high ones, low ones, soft ones, firm ones, but most of all, I like natural ones. When you look into the eyes of a natural pair of breasts, there’s an honesty, a humility if you will, that fake tits lack.

Go to any high-end grocery store at 2 in the afternoon and watch the parade of trophy wives. Their never sweated-in, velour tracksuits, or racksuits, can barely contain the specular highlights of breasts that look like they were constructed by Dreamworks Studios. These ladies of the afternoon meander through the aisles, stopping to study labels or strain for top shelf items… Just. Out. Of. Reach.

Hey, eyes up here, buddy!

Pre-made drink mixers are the fake tits of mixology. In the U.S., Rose’s Sweetened Lime Juice lists lime juice concentrate third after water and high fructose corn syrup (HFCS). The words “lemon” or “lime” don’t make the cut in [popular brand] whiskey sour mix, and what fruit or berry does Hpnotiq blue come from? Believe it or not folks, there’s no such thing as an Alizé berry.

Implants aren’t all bad. Just the ones that come with the Desperate Housewives Starter Kit. Same with mixers especially if you’re a 19th century British sailor¹, or work a busy bar. Most places, beer-n-shot bars and chain resturaunts especially, have the same neon drank found where the Plastics shop… just out of reach. It’s false authenticity much like product placement².

The better places make their own in advance, sometimes daily. The problem though, is that the sweetness or sour…ness(?) of the drink is predetermined, so fuck you, enjoy.

The best places make your cocktail to order, relying on ratios, expertise and the customer’s preferences much like you do (or can!) at home.

Besides the fake ingredients and make believe colors, you can’t find a bottle of mixer smaller than about 24 ounces. Which means, you will have to find space in your fridge. Space better used for Chinese delivery, condiments and fancy cheese.

She’s fresh! (fresh)

Fresh ingredients, a citrus juicer and simple syrup made with real live sugar are all you need to make most cocktails. Buy three or four lemons, limes or a quarter pound of fresh berries and you won’t have to worry about storing nuclear waste. If you’re lucky enough to live in sunnier climes, plant a citrus tree and grab a handful of nature whenever you’re ready to make a drink.

It’s cheaper, takes up less space and the flavors cannot be substituted. You know that sour mix taking up space in the fridge? Throw it out. Not to be one of those assholes but please get rid of that stuff. It’s full of crap.

Sour Mix

2 parts fresh lemon juice
1 parts fresh lime juice
1 to 2 parts simple syrup (1:1 or 2:1 sugar dissolved in water) to taste

Too easy.

If you’re looking for something more complicated, check out Darcy S. O’Neil’s Art of Drink. He’s a former chemist and current bartender and presents a complex recipe that includes maltodextrin which helps smooth it out a little. Seriously. Maltodextrin, beeyotch.

You could also use egg white. It sounds fucked up but it does almost the same thing, plus makes your drink smooth and frothy. Wanna try it out? You should try it out.

Whiskey Sour

1 1/2 oz bourbon
3/4 oz. lemon juice
3/4 - 1 oz Simple syrup (to taste)
Egg white-small egg (optional)

Put everything in a shaker without ice and shake for 30 seconds (that’s a dry shake!) Add lots of ice to the shaker and shake 10-20 seconds or until cold. Strain over ice. Garnish with a cherry.

Play with this recipe a little bit. Not sour enough? Add an additional 1/4 oz. of lemon juice. Too sweet? Cut down on the syrup. Not enough booze? Add a 1/2 oz. of octane. Don’t worry about the egg, wimpy. The alcohol and the dry shake takes away the danger.

Skip the mixers on aisle five and head straight over to the fresh berries, limes, lemons, oranges, melons and…hang on, I need a sec… Besides, we all know the real action is in the produce section.

Posted at 10:00am and tagged with: mixers, basics, Whiskey Sour, boobs, Recipe, Albert,.